confidence

Anyone who knows me - that is, knows me, and not just the front I put on 99% of the time - knows that I am not a confident person. At least not when it comes to appearance. Yes, I may call myself adorable twenty times a day, and wholeheartedly agree with whatever compliment someone gives me, but most of the time I am actually thinking, "Okay, obviously you are crazy, and so I should just smile and agree with you so you don't kill me."

No, I'm not kidding.

I used to have a really hard time accepting compliments, at least when it came to something physical. I'm used to being the smart girl, or the funny girl, or the nice girl. There's a Sex and the City quote from Miranda that I've actually had as my status most of the day- "Smart yes, cute sometimes, but never sexy. Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality." That is 100% me. I am used to being noticed for my oversized personality, not my average looks. And I used to get down on myself all the time for whatever part of my face or body I was hating on any particular day. And I am sure that it was incredibly irritating.

So now? I am going with the 'fake it til you make it' school of thought. If I say it enough, I'll start to think it's true.

Lately, it's starting to work. I am getting to the point where I can look in the mirror and see the good things about myself, instead of everything I want to change. I have moments where I actually think, "Wow, I look good today!" and they are becoming more and more frequent. I can see my body changing and I am loving it.

Like I said yesterday, I'm down 21 pounds. There is still a long way to go, but I am finally really starting to see myself change. My face is a little thinner. My waist is a little trimmer. My boobs are a little smaller (NOT a bad thing). My clothes are hanging off me. I feel more comfortable in heels than I have in ages.

I feel more comfortable in my skin than I have in years.

And that, more than anything else - being healthier, going down a few sizes, looking better - is all the motivation I need to keep on going.

I may still have a tough time believing anything good people say. I'm still more comfortable accepting compliments on my sense of humor, or chart-making skills, or writing ability. I think that's just me. And that probably won't change.


There's a long way to go til I am no longer insecure about my body, and honestly, I don't know that I'll ever get there fully, but I'm on the right road. And it feels great.