confidence

Anyone who knows me - that is, knows me, and not just the front I put on 99% of the time - knows that I am not a confident person. At least not when it comes to appearance. Yes, I may call myself adorable twenty times a day, and wholeheartedly agree with whatever compliment someone gives me, but most of the time I am actually thinking, "Okay, obviously you are crazy, and so I should just smile and agree with you so you don't kill me."

No, I'm not kidding.

I used to have a really hard time accepting compliments, at least when it came to something physical. I'm used to being the smart girl, or the funny girl, or the nice girl. There's a Sex and the City quote from Miranda that I've actually had as my status most of the day- "Smart yes, cute sometimes, but never sexy. Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality." That is 100% me. I am used to being noticed for my oversized personality, not my average looks. And I used to get down on myself all the time for whatever part of my face or body I was hating on any particular day. And I am sure that it was incredibly irritating.

So now? I am going with the 'fake it til you make it' school of thought. If I say it enough, I'll start to think it's true.

Lately, it's starting to work. I am getting to the point where I can look in the mirror and see the good things about myself, instead of everything I want to change. I have moments where I actually think, "Wow, I look good today!" and they are becoming more and more frequent. I can see my body changing and I am loving it.

Like I said yesterday, I'm down 21 pounds. There is still a long way to go, but I am finally really starting to see myself change. My face is a little thinner. My waist is a little trimmer. My boobs are a little smaller (NOT a bad thing). My clothes are hanging off me. I feel more comfortable in heels than I have in ages.

I feel more comfortable in my skin than I have in years.

And that, more than anything else - being healthier, going down a few sizes, looking better - is all the motivation I need to keep on going.

I may still have a tough time believing anything good people say. I'm still more comfortable accepting compliments on my sense of humor, or chart-making skills, or writing ability. I think that's just me. And that probably won't change.


There's a long way to go til I am no longer insecure about my body, and honestly, I don't know that I'll ever get there fully, but I'm on the right road. And it feels great.

Back to Basics (An Introduction, of Sorts)

First of all, I would like to give a shoutout to one of my favorite authors, the lovely and incredibly talented Liza Palmer. The title of this blog is an homage to her second novel, Seeing Me Naked which is a fantastic read.

This summer, I plan on attending my high school's ten-year reunion. When I graduated, I was a size 10 or 12 and athletic. A decade later, I am soft in all the wrong places (but in some of the right ones as well!) I'd like to walk into the reunion at least partway back to where I was.

Over the years, I've tried any amount of diets. I've tried working out, and failed more than I've succeeded. This time, it's going to stick.

Almost five years ago I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I've recently discovered that I likely have sleep apnea. Now that carrying an extra person around has really started to affect my health, I've realized it's time for a change.

Don't get me wrong! I am fabulous, and I love myself just the way I am....just...only if I have several layers covering me up. And let's be honest - that's as much metaphorical as it is literal.

This is my story of shedding pounds, and shedding layers.

Here goes nothing...

Many years ago (okay, three) I started Weight Watchers. I did well on the program, losing about 35-40 pounds.

Three years later, it's almost all back. And I have sacrificed my health and appearance for the sake of Ben and Jerry's, which, to be honest, up until now has been an alright trade-off for me.

No more.

Last night, I re-enrolled in Weight Watchers online. Luckily, it saved my information from the last time, and I discovered I am still down from when I began (by all of 4.8 pounds, but I'm not going to turn my nose up at that).

Today? Day 1. Fresh start.