Saturday, March 6, 2010

I've discovered what my problem with workout DVDs is

I HATE having some bouncy-ass skinny bitch yelling at me, telling me what to do. I work much better alone, pushing myself to go the extra ten minutes on the treadmill, or do an extra set on the dirty machines. (If you don't know what I mean by dirty machines, check out these videos. I really feel like those machines are indecent. Thank God my new gym has them against the wall, so I don't feel like I'm putting on a disturbing show for the other gym-goers.)  The exception would be if I had a personal trainer who was mean and would yell at me to work harder. That might be good for me. But this 'You can do it, way to go! You're awesome! One more time!' bullshit makes me fucking crazy.

I did two DVDs today. The first was Yoga for Inflexible People. Now, I know some people LOVE yoga. Swear by it. Do it every day. Me? I'm not one for pretty soothing music playing in the background as some calm-voiced unseen person tells me to center myself, open my chest up, relax my throat, and soften my eyes. Bitch, my eyes were soft until I started trying to follow your earth mother instructions. What the fuck does it mean to bring your thighs back and up? Doesn't that contradict itself? And why do I care? I see what pose the chick on the screen is in. I can't get in it. I'm inflexible. That's why I bought a DVD for people who are inflexible. So no, I won't be bringing my hands all the way down to the floor when I bend forward. I'm sorry. My fat rolls get in the way. Also? When I am supposed to turn my legs to the side, keep my abdomen forward, but turn my head to look over my right shoulder? I fall over. So maybe if I ever regain my sense of balance, I'll try you again. Until then, you can stay on my shelf and leave me alone.

The second workout, Cardio Go-Go Dance, has the potential to be fun. The freaking 30 people in the background distracting me from following the instructor seemed to love it. I loved mocking the freaking 30 people and their terrible outfits. I'll admit, I liked parts of it. Until I had to do more than one thing at a time. My lack of rhythm when dancing? Definitely does not suddenly disappear when I have a fucking perky bitch telling me what to do. I can 'rock it out' with the hips, my shoulders are good at rolling (even if they were popping every time) and I am pretty fabulous at thrusting my chest forward, but once you throw in stepping forward and jumping from side to side and kicky little hand motions, you lose me. Also, it is hard to jump around and such when I'm sure my downstairs neighbors were getting ready to mutiny on my sweaty ass.

On the plus side? I definitely broke a sweat, and I feel like between the two I had a decent workout that makes up for not going to the gym today. My abs, in particular, are not loving me at the moment, but I am loving that I can feel that I have abs again.
The negatives? A few new bruises from falling over chairs and my coffee table, and all of the chest thrusting has made my boobs pretty freaking sore from bouncing every way they possibly could., including just about putting one of my eyes out.

Note to self - Perhaps two sports bras at once is the way to go.


  1. Does rolling on the floor laughing my a$$ off from your description count as exercise?

  2. YES! Laughter is EXCELLENT for your abs. Although if that is true, I should have a 16-pack by this point.

  3. Go to Running Fit. Tell them you are looking for the strongest running bra they carry. Only thing is? It's a workout to get in and out of the damn thing. Sometimes I felt like I should just duct tape the girls down.

  4. Thank you! I'll try that. I don't mind a workout to get it on and off it that means I won't knock myself unconscious with an errant boob.



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